Mar 6 2012

Hey friends. I had a lovely morning. I listened to Coldplay, made a hot strawberry tea and caught up with a bunch of interweb stuffs.

I had a really long and drawn out day yesterday. It consisted of a midterm exam last nearly 4 hours, which is kind of crazy. It was totally fun though. I love my astronomy group, they're really good people. And I find that to be a rare occurrence.

For the rest of the day today I will be putting together packages to go out in correspondence. I think I may or may not be recording a video later on in the day which I may or may not post on Thursday, I make no guarantees :)

Still getting the space squared away, throwing away a lot of nonsense and selling the rest of it.

It's strange to say I think I've gotten everything out of my system. Well maybe not wholly, but for the most part. I'm going to channel my energy into more creative endeavors. It feels good to be in touch with everyone, talking about how we all need to chill the !@#$ out and start enjoying life. It's so simple. Why is it so simple? Gah.

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{post.script}

Today was lovely. The air is just right. It's calm. It's nice.

::thislife::thesefeelings::thatexecution::hearthappy::

Mond Morn 5th

Hey friends... Happy Monday! (That totally deserved capital letters:) Because I am really not too fond that it's Monday. That means the week has started and I have so much work to do.

Somehow I have to track down the lawyer this week to get the ball rolling. I'm hoping it will roll like a bowling ball. Quickly with small circumference.

I'm coordinating some packages to get out. I was only able to post my domestic packages, because my mum offered to pay for s/h and I didn't want to have her pay international (plus she didn't want to fill out the customs forms either, which is fine). So if you didn't give me your address on Facebook for the earring giveaway- please do so now! I have a handful of internationals to send out by the end of this week (although I'm hoping to check my po box soon before that, because evidently I'm going to have an influx of well wishes sent my way:) I'm so excited.

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{post.script}

I've been slowly adding words to my vocabulary. There are a few words this week that I'm going to share with you. Every week on Monday I will think of 5 "new" words to learn and share. Let's see how this goes :)

1st week of March:

1. obscure
2. concerted
3. "bon mot" (French)
4. "sprezzatura" (Italian)
5. polymathic

I urge you all to look up the definitions. Learning can be fun... weekly, Monday... here :)

::thislife::thesefeelings::thatexecution::hearthappy::

Sunday 4th

Hey friends :) Hope you're all having a lovely Sunday. I spent nearly 10 hours in travel yesterday. It was an absolute nightmare.

I took the evening  train back to Michigan last night. At 9:20 pm the train went dead. And dark. And quiet. And then I realized the engine was dead. And then there was an announcement confirming it. My train was delayed nearly 5 hours, I didn't get home until 4am.

Highlight of the trip: Getting a text from my dear friend Lindsay, who I'm totally excited to start chatting with in real life with. She's the first person I've ever exchanged phone numbers with over the internet, and I must say I love it so much. She's a great friend and always encouraging and listening, and I hope I can be just as good of a friend to her :) Big hugs + much love

So needless to say I listened to a lot of music last night. Here's a short list of everything I indulged in:

Coldplay- (album)- Rush of Blood to the Head
Norah Jones
Christina Aguilera
Abba
Bob Marley
Frank Sinatra

Also, there was a woman watching Bollywood movies a few seats up from me. I was angled in such a way as to be able to enjoy watching the movie with her minus sound. Still entertaining.

I went window shopping and in real life shopping with my mum over the week. I plan to do a haul as soon as I'm done with school stuff. Priorities. Aghh. Gah.

I really have to say this last trip was one of the best I've ever had. I really do love my mum. And I love the little world I can create for myself in Chicago every time I visit. It's kind of surreal.

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{postscript}

I appreciate dependability.

::wallow::

Saturn-day Mar 3

Hey friends, how's life? How's your weekend?! I had a pretty awesome day yesterday. I'm not going to lie though, mostly these days have been pretty awesome. My life is changing in such an outstanding direction, I can barely hold still for all the confusion and excitement. I'm totally on sensory overload and it's magnificent.

Yesterday I finished sorting my mum's bedroom closet. I put all the sheets and linens away, all the handbags hung up and all the clothes sorted. This condo looks amazing. Again, really couldn't have made such the progress I did without help, which I am so grateful for. We actually got enough done early enough in the vacation that the rest of it will be spent enjoying wonderful things.

But yes, yesterday... I attended a webinar conference for YT partners. It was about content optimization. This is the first time I've ever opted into these types of conferences (I believe the YT creators do these types of things often though, and I'm excited to attend more in the future). It made me feeling like such a !@#$ grown-up. I had to call in on conference. I signed into WebEx and was able to view the presentation while I was on conference. And I took notes. And I learned so much. And I felt like a !@#$ grown-up. Have I mentioned that already?

Because for these past few years since I've graduated from high school I haven't really felt like much of an adult at all. I talked about this a little bit in my sexuality video. I feel underdeveloped in a lot of ways and I'm excited to catch up and grow where I can. Now that I have no boundaries or limitations. You know the same ole deal I've been talking about these last few weeks. I feel like I'm going to burst. Or that I'm running so quickly somehow I'm bound to smash my face on the pavement and shatter into a million bloody little pieces. Letting my mind race quickly, farther than I've ever let it before.

I retaught myself how to read sheet music this week. It's kind of incredible. There was a dumbed down version of Pachelbel's Canon my mum had printed out that I've been teaching myself. I already kind of aced Fughetta (my next goal is to practice with the metronome = evil precise timing)... I also need to work on my hand coordination, because obviously it's been some time and my right hand likes to outrace my left hand quite often. Which makes for uneven sounding music. But I'm creating music from my hands nonetheless. Do you know how incredible that feels?

My self esteem and confidence are like a small army returning in droves. In hoards even. Swarming every corner of my being. And I love it. I really !@#$ love myself. I'm so awesome. ::patonback::

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{postscript}

Patience is a virtue, no? Infinitely so.

::thislife::thesefeelings::thatexecution::hearthappy::

WALLOW GAH SIGH

Chicago March 1st, 2012

Vlogged a bit while I was out and about. Glad to share it with you all. Everyone have a wonderful and safe weekend! Bigs hugs + much lovies :)

Mar 2 Fri

Hey friends, it's going to be a quick entry this morning because I have to work all day. Mostly. I've got a !@#$ ton of astronomy homework to do. My goal is to get everything done for the midterm event so I can laze around in bed all day on Sunday. This would be insanely wonderful.

I had an incredible day out and about vlogging with my mum. We went for lunch at the Harris Theater's "Eat to the Beat". There was an incredible show. I had to blog about it mostly because of one of the performers. He's amazingly gorgeous and talented. So I had to remark about that here of course.

Alexander Jones Madrid, wherever you are- If I could somehow shrink you down to the size of a thimble and carry you around in my pocket I would, because you made me melt with your performance. I had to say it. Dreamy. You. Yes. This.

Some other things happened during the day that I didn't get to put in to vlog, so I thought I'd recount them here too:

Firstly, on the bus I was wonderfully complimented yet again on my head shrug, which is cool because I totally crocheted it myself and everyone just seems to love it. Some woman on the bus made a passing comment that she thought it was lovely and that she used to crochet so she knew how much time went into it. Thank you lady <3 And then, the bus driver asked me if I wore color contacts. Which was to insinuate that I must have particularly rare color in my eyes. I told him that I did not wear color contacts. I can only assume that Mac Burmese Beauty quad does a good job of bringing out the green in my eyes. (I have sort of hazel eyes, where they are gold in the center and kelly green on the outer, the rim is almost a charcoal olive green. In the light, when it hits it just the right way, they turn an eery green, sometimes it's gold, depends on the light quality:)

Secondly, it was particularly lovely getting to meet my mum's co-workers and have conversations with real life adults. People who are developed and successful. Attending cultural events. Being a grown-up?! Or kind of feeling like one for an hour. Even though being inside that building felt like Gattaca. Complete with turnstiles and super tight security. Crazy these times we are living in. Science fiction is morphing into reality at an alarming rate.

One of the guys made a remark about me being an impostor as I didn't have a security badge. I made a remark back clearly stating that idealistically I *never* want to work at a company where I would be required to have a security clearance badge. Then he made a remark on how if that were the case I would need to find a really rich guy to marry. I made a remark to that simply stating that "... yeah everyone keeps telling me that."

Money isn't really important, it's just a really valuable tool. Which is to say. I wouldn't mind being terribly wealthy one day. I wouldn't mind being part of the 1%. Think of what you could do when you actually had the wealth to be able to change certain things. The power would be incredible.

Gah work, webinar, packaging, cleaning, packing, doing things, GAH.

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{postscript}

Waking up to that this morning makes me feel so incredibly, unbelievably lucky. Again I do not know what I did to deserve this, but all I can do is read it over and over. It's so !@#$ dreamy. It makes me so heart happy.

Indeed

Making good use of my afternoon before I eat another slice of pepperoni pizza and take a nap. Oh the life of a hedonist is so exhausting : / SIGH :) lol...

Happy Mar 1

Hello dear friends, it's another lovely morning in Chicago. I could get used to waking up like this everyday I am so for seriously. Enjoying lovely cups of tea with an amazing view. The air is fluid. I've unraveled a bit and it feels so good.

I actually have been noticing physical symptoms of these last few weeks which have been kind of incredible.

Firstly, I've lost weight. I really haven't done anything differently except now I can eat whatever I'd like to whenever I'd like to. (For example, I had a slice of pepperoni pizza for breakfast this morning) It's just a taste here and there you know. If I feel like eating 20 small meals a day I can. If I feel like eat 1/2 lb. of bacon with a gallon of ranch dressing at 3 am I can. There have been days recently where all I will do is eat biscuits and gravy. There are also days where I'll eat nothing but spinach and kefir, but I'm trying to focus on highlighting the things that I was evidently not allowed to consume. All I've ever wanted was the freedom to buy a box of cookies if I felt like it. Girl scout cookies?! Oh my G. Butter. Everything slathered in a pound of butter. Please and thank you.

Secondly, I've always been very self conscious about the popped vein in my eye. I always thought this was something that just existed because of mistakes I made in high school. I didn't think I could ever get rid of it, because these last 10 years it's always been there. Kind of getting worse day by day. Until now. I was talking with my mum about it this morning and she said it was a side effect of high blood pressure. It could be stress related. As I've noticed it now, the redness has subsided and it's for the most part going away. I think since the source of aggravation has been abated that my high blood pressure will abate over time too.

Thirdly, These last 8 years I've had a problem with jaw clenching and grinding my teeth when I sleep. I never had this problem as a teenager (or a little kid of that matter). I always thought it was an "adult" thing. Obviously I have a lot of stress and worries as a grown-up so that must be directly related to all this clenching and grinding. Initially my anxiety was so out of control a few weeks ago that I had to wear my night guard during the day to keep from clenching too tightly. It gives me headaches and hurts my jaw : / And then I changed my phone number. And somehow (since the source of aggravation has been abated) I hold less tension in my jaw. I feel less rigid. I'm becoming more fluid. The expression is flowing and free. It makes me feel really good. My favorite person in the world tells me that over time (and with proper management) I probably won't grind/clench at all. It was all a symptom of unnecessary stress.

Fourthly, I'm a little OCD. Well maybe not a little, maybe a lot. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. This goes hand in hand I'm positively sure. All this last decade I've become fixated on quadruple checking things (the magic number for me is 4). When I lose something I go *insane* looking for it. (A fine example of this is when I lost my foundation brush the other week and I spent nearly 6 hours looking for it, because I couldn't just let it go, I couldn't just go out and buy another one and have it be the same). I realize now that my OCD is a symptom of my loss of control. To be able to fixate on things like that gives me a *false* sense of control over things. Because I didn't have proper control over my life, my preferences or my choices in general. These last few weeks I've become less fixated (as much as I can be anyway...) on things as I lose them or misplace them. I'm trying really hard not to constantly be checking the contents of my purse. Other things I need to work on are quadruple checking locked doors, did I really empty the washing machine?, did I really blow out that candle?, did I really turn off all the electronics before I left the house? (I have a perpetual fear that I'm going to somehow burn the house down if I don't turn off all the electronics in the house before I leave... I feel like that's irrational, but hey at least I'm being energy efficient and green right?)

Other things I've noticed : There are less bags under my eyes. I seem better rested. I'm less fitful. I feel really refreshed. My batteries are coming back to full charge and it feels really good. I'm more socially engaging. I don't feel loss of self esteem when I'm in the presence of other women who I think are more beautiful than I am. I'm trying to be more confidant in my skills as a person. I'm trying to maintain eye contact. I keep my head high when I walk down the street. Somehow the world got really !@#$ large in the last month. It's exponentially expanding day to day too. Because I don't have to limit myself anymore. I can operate at full capacity and the speed is exhilarating.

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[post.script]

I can't wait for Saturday. ::mylife::thesefeelings::thislife::thatexecution::hearthappy::

Technology and Stuff

Just going on and on about my perspective on technology and it's role in my life. You know, the usual stuff :)

Leap Wed 29

Hey friends. I actually slept in today. Isn't that remarkable? Only until 7:45 am, but still. Considering I've been waking up at 6 am everyday, it felt nice to wriggle in the covers a few extra moments of time. I love wriggling. And wallowing. And dreaming (business as usual:).

Everyday I try to overcome my social anxiety and agoraphobia. In some little way. Little baby steps. Progress is a subtle change over time you know... Yesterday I went out and about. Which was particularly lovely because walking around the city by yourself is kind of incredible. And a bit terrifying. And I only think this is because I am a small woman. And I look like I'm 16 which just makes me scream "You could totally victimize me if you wanted to". I used to not be quite so afraid of being out and about. Although I was always hesitant of being places by myself, something happened to me a few years ago which kind of !@#$ me up.

There was an incident in Detroit a few years ago, I believe it was 2008? It was just after my 23rd birthday. I stopped at a gas station on a Monday morning at 10 am off E. Grand Blvd. Pumping gas, stupid hood rat kid pulls a gun on me for my wallet. I end up urinating on myself. Totally petrified. Embarassing. As much social anxiety as I had before, this incident just intensified everything. I became depressed. I lost my confidence. I didn't want to leave the house. It was all downhill from there. I didn't really have anyone to help me through it in the way I needed them to. I had people who sympathized, but no one who understood. The general sentiment was "You shouldn't let that effect you so much." 


So all throughout 09, 10, 11 it just snowballed into petrification. I was afraid to leave the house by myself. My anxiety got worse when I moved to Los Angeles. We were living in Venice (which is a strange slice of the city... really...) and I rarely left the house. I think the only place I really felt safe going was the mall. And at that I would still get horrible panic attacks, because I get anxious when there are too many people around in public places. Weird, no? Even when I moved back to Michigan in early 11 I still rarely left the house. I just plugged myself into my technology and media outlets and escaped.

Escapism is the most addictive "drug".

I didn't have any friends in real life much either. Aside from the person I was living with. *And* the internet. Hello internet friends <3 I love you. Just thought you should know. You all made my life so incredible these last 3 years. If it weren't for all of you I would have been mostly alone. Mostly. You've been so supportive in all the ways I needed. Thanks for being here. That's why I'm always so thankful.

So the big upset happened in September when my granny passed. I had to watch her die a slow death, hour by hour, for about a week. She passed of cancer so it was particularly sad. I listened to her struggle with every breath she took while he demeanor faded, he gentle smile faded into a rigid skull and eventually all her warmth and magnitude became cold and solemn. It was devastating loosing someone who shaped so much of who I am and what I love. When I returned home, distraught, the general sentiment was "...maybe you shouldn't have been there to see that if it was going to mess you up so bad."


That's when the true depression set in. I had meant to take classes this past fall semester, but I couldn't bear to do it. Even though I got my scholarship and I could, my mind was too distracted. I was too sad. Hopelessness was washing over me and I didn't have a buoy to hold on to. Something more like a lead weight. I withdrew from making videos. And even now looking back at the ones I did make, you can see a difference. My light was going out. It was terrible.

If I had not dealt so much with depression and hopelessness as a teenager I probably wouldn't have recognized it. I tried to deal with it the best way I could, until I realized that I have to be alone to deal with this. I have to be of my own thoughts. I have to love myself as I am, realize that I'm not crazy, I'm just human. Humans feel. Humans cry. Humans get emotional. Sometimes we're irrational. I feel so deeply.

So that brings us to the straw that broke the camel's back. This recent family vacation to the Bahamas. Surrounded by my family, who are witty and intelligent. Who engage me in conversations and genuinely care. People who were there to spend the holidays with me in celebration of my grandmother's life. These are the important things. I realize this now.

So returning to Michigan last month to start school and resume my "old" life felt like a vacuum. There was no dimension. The layers were single-sheet. I was still being pacified by my media indulgences. Movies, internet, video games. Having just had one of the best experiences of my life being with family and returning to that, I just couldn't go on. And so that brings us to current day.

I'm going to be finishing up some of the chores I have to do around the house today and then I'll be recording my video on technology and it's role in my life. I'm going into a tech regression and I want to vlog about it. Because I'm really sick of living life like that. It's a sickness. I will not be infected any longer.

---

ps.

excruciatingly heart happy. also, since this weekend i've been grinding my teeth less. i think that was just what i needed. and now it's all i can think about all day. it's so !@#$ good, oh g-d, sigh ::thesefeelings:: ::hearthappy:: ::wallowwallowwallow:: <3